READ THIS FIRST!

(adapted from a text by Dave Barry)

Congratulations! You have found lean, an extremely fine theorem prover that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead user maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE DON'T MAIL TO POSEGGA@IRA.UKA.DE, and READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE PROVER! YOU ALREADY UNPACKED THE SHELL ARCHIVE, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND LOADED IT INTO PROLOG AND STARTED IT AND FIDDLED WITH THE SOURCE CODE, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR FLOPPY DISK DRIVE AND FORMATTED IT, THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE SOURCE CODE, RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST OVERWRITE THE SOURCE CODE WITH BINARY ZEROS, YOU KNOW THAT?

We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're always getting back "defective" leans where it turns out that the users inadvertently bathed the code in acid for six days. So, in writing these instructions, we naturally tend to assume that your skull is filled with dead insects, but we mean nothing by it. OK? Now let's talk about:

1. UNPACKING THE SHELL ARCHIVE. Lean is encased in foam consisting of shell commands to protect it while it is being transferred over the Internet. PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS OF THE SHELL ARCHIVE CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE BARKER'S ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS WHILE SHE WAS PACKING leans into shell archives. Ida Mae really wants that ring back, because it is her only proof of engagement, and her fiancee, Stuart, is now seriously considering backing out on the whole thing inasmuch as he had consumed most of a bottle of Jim Beam in Quality Control when he decided to pop the question. It is not without irony that Ida Mae's last name is "Barker", if you get our drift.

WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE SHELL ARCHIVE OR ANY OF THE FILES THEREIN. If you attempt to return your copy of lean to us, and you are missing one single bit, we will laugh in the chilling manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern Europe.

Besides the program, the shell archive should contain:

* Eight little files that say "WARNING" in their first line.

* A little GIF-mage of a plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.

YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.

IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's why."

WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.

2. PLUGGING IN THE PROVER: The plug on lean represents the latest thinking of the software industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in a continuing effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous electrical current to flow through their Prolog programs, developed the Three-Pronged Plug, then the Plug Where One Prong is Bigger Than the Other. Your copy of lean is equipped with the revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs Consist of Six Small Religious Figurines Made of Chocolate. DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN! Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight, load your Prolog system, and clean it weekly with a damp handkerchief.

WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A SHARP OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE YOUR EYE OUT, AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.

3. OPERATION OF lean:
WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE SHELL ARCHIVE. THE ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF lean ARE MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.

INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our advising that: NEVER to hold the Prolog clause two times!! Except the battery. Next taking the (something) earth section may cause a large occurrence! However. If this is not a trouble, such inference is a very maintenance action, as a kindly (something) viewpoint from Drawing B. Write down that completion of lean can incomplete and proofs may not.

4. WARRANTY: Be it hereby known that lean, together with but not excluding all those certain Prolog clauses thereunto, shall be warrantied against all defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and Thursday afternoon at shortly before 2, during which time the authors of lean will, at no charge to the Owner, send lean to our Service People, who will emerge from their caves and engage in rituals designed to cleanse it of evil spirits. This warranty does not cover the shell archive.

WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER HAS "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.